PCN 2

That weekend we enjoyed the idea that was slowly becoming a reality. Josh was getting better. When Dr. H stopped by to check in that Saturday, we were delighted to share that Josh had no had one brady. He put the order in for Josh to start having only bottles and to have the feeding tube removed completely. We were elated.

We also took our CPR class that day. All parents from the NICU are required to take a CPR class. They do not come right out and say "in case your child stops breathing" but you know why you are there. It is the first step you take when you are almost ready to go home. Josh would need to be circumcised, pass a car seat check (that would make sure he could breathe well in his seat while he was still on monitors) and get his Hep B shot. There were many ways to tell a baby was getting ready to leave, but a carseat by your bed was a sure sign. When Dr. H came by on Sunday, he told us we could bring our seat in.

Mike and Leigh were so excited to bring Andrew home as well. He was their first and only, so they spent a great deal more time at the NICU than we could. Leigh came in all dressed up that Sunday, having been at her baby shower. She told us how weird it was to be there, not being pregnant, not having the baby. The four of us sat around that night talking about nurseries and how much we hated being in the PCN.

Mike and Matt were feeding their sons bottles and we were watching the monitors like hawks. Nothing would prevent us from bringing our little men home that week and we were sure to watch their stats for any dip. When Andrew didn't finish the last little bit in his bottle, we all knew what that meant:it would have to go in the tube. Mike simply popped it in the trash can. At first we were shocked until we realized how brilliant the plan was. We would simply lie. Who cared if they didn't get that last sip? The two of them were almost six pounds. They were getting plenty to eat. We would cheat the system. We would get them home.

Andrew's nurse practitioner began talking about the possibility of him going home on a monitor. The monitor would connect with a lead on Andrew's chest and make sure he did not have a brady while he slept. We all thought this sounded like a great idea. Anything with the word home in the title seemed like a great idea.

The next day when I arrived, the nurse was dressing Andrew in his outfit for pictures. Mike and Matt called it a dress, Leigh and I called it adorable. He was whisked away for photos. The nurses were all in wonderful moods and we sat around talking about the Grey's Anatomy episode the night before. By that afternoon Andrew was getting his shots and passing his carseat check. The old men in the room were making their way towards the door.

That night we watched Mike and Leigh give Andrew a bath. We were too afraid to ask our nurse, as she was the one that told us on the first night that they did not DO baths in the PCN. We got them snuggled in and sat watching the monitors. A calm had fallen over the PCN. There were only seven babies. The nurses remarked how weird it was. It was the slowest time that they could remember.

I looked over at the new isolet that had been brought in that day. I was in the habit of talking to all the new parents and introducing myself. A beautiful young African American woman sat in a chair peering into the isolet. I went over to the woman and touched her shoulder. She jumped at the contact and turned around. I knelt down next to her and introduced myself. I looked in at her tiny daughter, Amber, who had been born at only 29 weeks. She is was so tiny and so gorgeous. When I looked back at her Mom and told her that, her eyes filled with tears. I explained that we had all been there. We had all seen the PCN, heard the roar of it. We had all been dropped into this place after the NICU, but I promised her that tomorrow would be better. Before I had even thought to do it, I was holding her as she wept.

The following day I spent with Ryan at home. Both boys were fairing pretty well, considering neither one really had a mother. I wanted to spend some time with him before Josh came home. He and I played and I called in to check on Josh who was doing very well. That night when Matt and I walked in, Mike, Leigh and Andrews were gone.

I cannot express what it felt like to walk around that corner and see the empty space where his bed had been. We just stood there and stared at it. I was consumed by envy and sadness. They were gone. For a month they had been our best friends, our closest allies. Andrew was home. Leigh and Mike had their son home. A warmth spread through my as I thought about them tucking him into his crib at home. I no longer felt bitter, I was only thrilled that they were experiencing what normal parents felt in bringing their baby home for the first time. Our nurse informed us that there was a note from our "partners in crime" by Josh's bed. It was from Leigh and gave us their contact information. I was determined to follow in their footsteps.

That night, the unthinkable happened. Josh had a brady. It was around 2am. When I came in the next morning, the nurses gave me the news. I was crushed. I wanted the details, but as she was about to provide them, I heard what I didn't want to hear. I heard Dr. X. The long weekend was over. She was back and I was very ready.

With her fledgling flock of residents around her, she was presented Josh's stats. He was on all bottles. He was on no caffeine. He was to have his eye exam the following day. He was to have his Hep B later that day. And then the moment that I had been waiting for. The young intern said "Patient's HMF has been discontinued." Dr. X looked at me, I stared hard back. She drew a breath in and asked how he had been doing. I was more than happy to tell her that despite one brady the night before, he had NONE since I had last seen her. There was a pause so long that the residents shifted in their shoes. "Well, that's what we want, isn't it?" she asked. "I am going to put him on an on demand feeding schedule so he can eat when he is hungry." "When can he go home?" I asked he, impatiently.

She explained that because of his brady and because whether or not he needed stimulation to come out of that brady was not documented on his chart, he would need to stay another seven days. My heart sank and then lurched. It was all I could do not to grab his chart and bash her in the head with it. I asked about going home on a monitor and she simply refused. Check and checkmate. She was the boss and she made sure I knew it. I might have gone behind her back to get the HMF out, but she would be damned if I was winning that hand. I felt like I could cry.
The next days dragged by.

Without Leigh and Mike, it seemed endless. I was excited and bitter all at once. I wanted to go home on a monitor too. When I passed Dr. H in the hall one afternoon, I begged him to come back. He gently explained that it would be okay, Dr. X did know what she was doing. I hated to disagree with him, so I just nodded my head. They came in to take his picture. He wore a little blue velvet outfit from Stacey. He looked so tiny to be in such a fancy outfit. He had fulfilled all the requirements to go home and we were simply waiting to go. Amber had been moved into a bed and her Mom had begun giving her bottles. I was starting to think that she just might make it out before we would.

I called Leigh to complain about Dr. X and see how they were doing. I was in no way prepared for what she would say. She was practically in tears. She told me that Andrew had been having bradys all the time at night. The machine that got them out of the hospital also kept them up and worried all night. She could not sleep. She was so scared of what would happen to Andrew. She told me that she wished so much that they were back in the PCN with us. She wished that they had never left. I was stunned. Could she really be telling me that they would rather be in the PCN than home? She urged me to stay there and get Josh all the way well before coming home.

I do not remember the days leading up to us leaving feeling much different than all the rest. I made huge baskets of muffins for the NICU nurses and PCN and wrote countless thank you cards. I bought picture frames for his best nurses and put a picture of Josh inside. We got everything ready at home. The night before he left, we gave him his first tub bath. We were so excited to come in the next morning.