Coming Home

When we arrived, we did everything for the last time. We parked in that awful parking deck. We scrubbed in for the last time. We tied the last yellow plastic gown over our clothes. We dressed Josh in his outfit to come home. We took every lead off his body and kissed the spots where they had been. The nurses gathered around and said their goodbyes and gave us our instructions.

They loaded us down with diapers and formula. I thanked each one for their love and help.
But before we left, Dr. X had to sign his release. She came in alone. She smiled at Josh in his outfit. She made sure we had no questions and signed his release forms. We stood there for a moment and I broke the silence. I thanked her for all she had done to make Josh well. I told her that it was not an easy job she had and that I knew that what she did for Josh was the best thing. She smiled and said "You're welcome. Take care of that little guy."

We piled all our belongings on a huge cart. We put Josh in his carseat. He looked so very tiny, all packed in with blankets. His preemie outfit was swimming on him. We went upstairs to show him off to the nurses who had cared for me on the 9th floor. There was much to celebrate and they fawned all over him. And then as simply as people did, we left. We took our son, after thirty three long days. We walked out the front door and never looked back again.

I do not ever ask myself why it all happened. I never ask 'why us?" I already know the answer. Life has a way of making sure you are appreciating exactly what you have. I could wonder why my water broke, but even my OB could not tell me the answer to that question. I can only form my own opinion. I think it happened to change me. The Friday before my water broke, Matt and I were on a date. At dinner I said to him, "I think that something about having Josh is going to change me forever." I do not know why I said it, but I know that I was right.

Without this event I may never have understood how much Matt loved me. I will always have the memory of him walking in my hospital room on my fifth day of bed rest. He had brought the pajamas he had laundered on his way to work. He had taken Ryan to school that morning and had walked in "mommy's shoes" for almost a week. He came in the room and said, "I don't care what ever happens between us. I don't care what you do, I don't even care if you cheat on me, we are NEVER getting divorced." He said it with such passion that all I could do was laugh. Not everyone comes through something like this stronger for it. We were very lucky that we did.

Josh is now a very healthy and bossy one year-old. He is smaller than some, but average size. He can eat anyone out of house and home. He has a huge smile and everyone who he meets becomes a fan, even if they do not know the story of his long struggle. Although he was never cognizant of it, he survived a month away from his parents long before he was ready for college. He is well and it is thanks to all of those who kept him alive. He is also lucky to have a big brother and family who love him to pieces.

We were blessed to have my parents in town and able to help us as much as they did. Their love for us got us through and we will be eternally grateful for all they did. My Mom was at the NICU almost every day. My Dad could not handle the pain of seeing Josh so tiny and in the NICU. He only went a couple of times, but when we were home he was overwhelmed by his love for Josh, as we all were. Not being in the NICU allowed us to love Josh with all our hearts, without fear. It consumed me how much I loved him. He was and always will be my hero.

I learned so much going through what we went through. I learned where rock bottom is in my heart. I learned how to let go a little, but the biggest lesson I learned was how to receive. Over the time we spent at the NICU, my friends poured love down on me. They picked me up when I fell, they hugged me when I could not breathe. They counselled me when I was lost. After spending a life being a giver, I was on the other end. I did not feel guilt, I felt loved. I felt full of their love.

When my friends came to the NICU and saw Josh in his isolet, their love for him surged, as did my love for them. I will never forget Tracy crying when she saw him. I will always remember each of them seeing him for the first time. I asked Tracy to be Josh's Godmother. Although she would never own up to how much she helped, I was able to get through it because of her, he was able to get through it because of me. It is the reason I made it through, the love that my family and friends had for us. Our friends became our family through their love and generosity and they will be in our hearts forever.